Living Happiness.

I like to think that in the last year of my life, i've learned so much, that i've experienced, so many amazing moment, that would change a person. Between yesterday and today, i've realized a lot though. One, a teacher's speech has changed my world. Two, God exists. Three, I love Arizona. And four, love is extraordinary! In girl's chapel yesterday, a teacher spoke about her "ordinary" testimony. It made me think, where is the priority of God in my life. I believe in Him, BUT is that enough to make me want to read my Bible, and pray, and etc.

Now, yesterday night on my drive to Arizona. I was driving through the desert at night. It was an amazing night. You could see the sky and just think. I changed the radio and the only thing that was basically being able to play, and not be all, static, was "Marvelous Light." Complete and udder sign. It couldn't have been more made. I had been thinking about God and that song comes up. Immediately, I start blasting it, and then I look up at the sky, and think "Heaven, and God." It couldn't have more then the moment I could be saved. And I mean "could" because it is up to me, to make sure I am. I have to devote myself to God. That is hard for me. I'm not going to lie, i'm selfish, and I don't think I can have it any other way in life, honestly.

Next, ARIZONA. Beautiful, amazing, wonderful, peaceful, tranquil, really. I just need this. Being here. I have a house here. Well, my grandma does, and lately, I just want to stay here. It's perfect. What a 16 year old really needs. I wish I could, really, just live here. My grandma, my mom and me. I can get away from the city and busy life. Here, i'm free to just be me. Whoever that is. I'm going to try and see if I can come here every weekend now. I really love it here. If everyone came here, you'd know completely, what i'm talking about.

Love. I can talk, talk, talk, talk, about love. I have never experienced it. BUT, i've watched it, read it, and heard about it enough to feel like I have had it. The Notebook, is literally, the best example, so far, of what love is. I watched that movie today with my mom. We both cried so much. Love, the indefinable feeling. I just feel so overwhelmed whenever I think about love. That's how intense it is. Love is just a true gift. If you won't ever experience it, fighting, loving, smiling, etc., my whole heart goes out to you, and know I love you.

Learn how to bleed while living.

I use to think I had bad luck. I use to just sit there and feel pain when I would give up. But now, I just feel like i'm on the top of a mountain, and the only option left for me is to jump. And the weird thing is, I want to jump. I'd love to take that chance that my body has been telling me take. It's like the only open road, but yet my head slowly backs away and just wants me to bleed.

We loose things we love, to gain strength, or because it's what is meant to be. Were told on the first day of kindergarten will need every skill we learn. Were told in 6th grade, will need to use cursive forever. We learn in Middle school that there's drama, but no way to avoid it. Were told in High School, were adults. But that's all crap.

Those aren't important things. Were not told how to breathe, how to live, how to love or how to loose but we manage, right? When we don't have the answer, we just want to jump of the mountain, but chances are we really don't. I've learned, in order to have the answer, or to learn, we need to just jump..

Scary.

But no, it's not. We are here, to make mistakes, to take chances, to not listen, to love more then once, to get hurt, to hold our breath, and to loose. But why do we pretend like were fragile? It's so we don't get hurt, so we don't die, the same things we don't think about everyday, but know there possible.

I keep writing and searching on an answer for pain, and lose, and what love is like. But, you can't write about it, or study it. You have to experience it. We all need to suffer, and loose people we love, and to love like we don't know what it is. We need to be crazy and wild and free. It's repulsive to sit on your ass your whole life, and not even know what it's like to lose someone you love, and suffer.

We think that if we shield ourselves we will be happy forever. But we will be happy if we go out of our way to jump off the mountain, because no matter what, your going to fall and bleed.

We all need to be different and daring and courageous. We need to just jump. Towards the little things, and toward the big things.

We just need to learn how to bleed while living.

The Greatest Love.

"And i'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closet to heaven that i'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now."

I found love once when I had you, we'd been best friend since I can remember. When you turned 17 you'd asked to take my hand. I didn't have to speak or think.

"Love is a friendship set to music."

"And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

'Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight."

My hand just made it's way to yours, and we sat there together into the night. It felt like the sun kept shining down on me.

"Where there is love there is not darkness."

When I was 20 i'd never have thought i'd loose you to another. We had planned our life together until you had met her.

"And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am."

Now I've learned what it's like to love someone you can't be with forever. But just know we were so meant to be together that even God agrees. Now I lye here in my final hours, breathing my last breaths.

"It is love that makes the impossible, possible."

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like movies

Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive."

I regret that you had ever left and that I didn't try to stop you. But this life has taught me something greater, that it's not about being together. It's about the love I have for you, forever.

"No fate is worse than a life without love."

"I just want you to know who I am."

Thank you to those who read this. This is a script, yes a script, for a homework assignment in my drama class. I hope you like it, and please feel free to leave me comments.

6 months.

I use to have a best friend. I still have a best friend, but she's not the same one, that i'm talking about now. That friend, was one of the best friends, I've ever had. We had a life together, as if we were joined at the hip, through 8th grade. During the summer at 8th grade, I think we just went our seperate ways because of High School.

I honestly don't even remember how we met. But we were inseperable, I'd say. Phones calls, text messages, school, weekends, we were always together some how. She was a really great friend. I miss her. She might not even read this, but I have a feeling she will. Every weekend, I basically spent the night at her house. Like the first sleepover we had was at my house. We went to the movies and saw "Music and Lyrics," together. Then after that one night of bounding, we knew we'd be best friends. I remember one sleepover we had, I liked one of her best friends. He lived in the same condo area has her. We had invited him over for dinner, and we ate pizza, and hung out. Then my best friend and him, went for a bike ride, but I didn't have a bike, so I sat on her drive way. I had my iPod and started listening to "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne. Which was my favorite song at that time! Little did I notice the guy was on his way back, and I freaked out, because I was dancing like a retard in front of her house! In front of him! I mean I liked him. Haha. Then I ran in her house. Later, we played "Hide and Go Seek." It turned out bad because I almost died from freaking out. The good thing about her house was she lived in a gated, condo area so she had a little park and you could run around the place! So we played Hide and Seek. My best friend and I kept hiding in her house, and all the lights were out. And he was outside, so we didn't know if he was right outside, or what. He eventually liked popped up out of nowhere, and I like had a heart attack from being scared. After that, I'm pretty sure we got Baskin Robbins Ice Cream. We went to the market and got a bag of cookies. My friend called him and told him, we'd put them at the park on the table... We called him and he SAID he was at the mall and he'd get them later. Now this was at night, like 9:30. It was pitch black! Now, her house was like 50 feet from the park, so I stayed outside her house with a foam bat, and she went. About 5 minutes later, she comes screaming saying she saw someone. I saw someone with like a grey jacket running from the other side of the park, and I freaked out. Later, we found out it was him. I still laugh about it 'til this day.

Now, I can't remember if that was all one sleepover or two seperate ones. But we had a blast.

Everytime I'd sleepover at her house, we'd either hangout in the garage, and then fall asleep on her small couch, watching Disney at 3 in the morning.

I just wish I could still say to this day that we were close. But were not. We have both changed so much. But I will always hold these memories of our friendship. About the best 6 months of my life. I have best friends now, that I love alot. But those memories weren't able to be kept in. Not that my other memories are, but still. Maybe, another time and place, I can talk about those. I just wish I could understand why things change, and why people around us do. Someone you can trust with your life can tell you it's over in a split second. Friendship isn't funny, unless your laughing with the person. It's serious, when your hurt. Friendship makes bonds. I want to have bonds for life. But until then just know, i love you.

In Another Life

Have you ever found yourself thinking about love or life?

To the point you cry or get depressed?

I tend to think about that alot. I'm a teenager. It's something I do. I don't know how to write this without sounding like a complainer, or weird person. I just stray from what I know I should do and what I should be doing. But, when I see a movie or see two people, I just get so upset. I think, "Will I ever find someone?" Not to be with forever, because I am only 16 but just a guy. I mean it's pretty pathetic when you've been rejected more times then you've gotten a decent grade in a class.

Everytime this topic comes up with a friend, it's the same thing. "It's no big deal," or "You don't need someone now." But that's bullshit. I really think if half the teenagers in this town can find someone, I should be able to. But the key word is "should." I personally think, there's something wrong with me. A. Because i'm blogging about this to people, who don't care. and B. Because it really means alot to me. I seem like a complainer because people are like you'll find a guy, when i've tried. I've searched High and Low, Here and There, and every chance I got, I took a chance. Now, that's hard work.

I guess, I just wrote this to vent, or maybe something will become of it, and someone can help me see something that can come out of this crappy situation i'm in. But until then,

"I need to know, I need to know

I need to know, I need to know."

"

2009 in a nutshell.

Normally, I write this in my journal, but this is way easier to do,

i've decided to write all my favorite things of this year down, for you all to see and know,

and when i'm an old person,,, like 30, I can look back and remember this year.

My Favorite:

Actor:

1. Gerald Butler

2. Ryan Renolds

3. Robert Pattinson

Actress:

1. Rachel McAdams

2. Sandra Bullock

3. Kristen Stewart

Color:Green

Food: Italian

Cd:

1. Kris Allen - Debut Album

2. All Time Low- Nothing Personal

3. New Moon Soundtrack

Song:

1. Weightless

2. This Time

3. Here We Go Again

Singer:

1. Lady Gaga

2. Kris Allen

3. Allison Iraheta

Show:

1. Gossip Girl

2. One Tree Hill

3. 90210

Movie:

1. Sherlock Holmes

2. New Moon

3. The Ugly Truth

Book: Sarah Dessen

Movies I've Seen In Theatres:

1. He's Just Not That Into You

2. 17 Again

3. Time Traveler's Wife

4. Night At The Museum 2

5. Harry Potter 6

6. Sherlock Holmes

7. New Moon

8. Zombieland

9. The Ugly Truth

10. The Proposal

11. Nine

12. Yes Man

13. Bride Wars

14. Jonas Brothers in 3-D

15. The Uninvited

Favorite Class: Drama

Best Movie That's A Book: New Moon?

Concerts I've Attended:

1. Savannah Outen

2. Savvy and Mandy

3. Jonnie and Brookie

4. Jonas Brothers

5. Justin Bieber

6. Demi Lovato

People I've Met:

1. Justin Bieber

2. Savannah Outen

3. Jonnie and Brookie

4. Savvy and Mandy

5. Debby Ryan

6. Doug Brouchu

7. Sterling Knight

8. Roshon Fegan

9. Demi Lovato

Top 5 memories:

1. Caberat Night at my old school

2. New Moon showing at midnight with all my friends

3. Prank calling with Montana

4. Demi Lovato concert with Kelly

5. Hanging with Kelly.

Top 3 experiences of this year:

1. Getting my headshots

2. Auditioning for a few things

3. and knowing 2010 is going to rock!

dreams you never thought your brain could make,

Last night, I slept like a ful 11 hours, and I had the most weirdest dream, I think i've ever had. It started off where I was in a hospital and so many people were dying, but they weren't. I don't even know how to explain it. They were just like bleeding so much. I don't even know. All I wanted to do was escape. And the people there wouldn't let us. Like, in a bad way. So a few people and I, made a plan and we ran down the stairs, and people were in the staircase trying to stop us. I don't know why. But only a few of us made it out alive. Then we made it to the first floor and I broke through the window, and there was this kid, well not kid, and he had a car, and me and my friend Kelly got in it, and told him to drive us to her house.

The drive, weirdly, took forever, and when we finally stopped, we were at this cementary. It was dark, but like cloudy, and it was like almost in doors. I walked around in tears looking for my uncle's grave stone. I finally found it, and I just cried, walking around looking like an idiot.

Then above the cementary was two huge buildings, tall and wide. They were sororities. One was for preppy, mean girls. And somehow, I was in the other one. It was really a weird dream. But I walked into the one building for my sorority, and there was like 7 of us who were picking all the other girls in this large room. It looked like a court room. All I really remember was sitting down at a table and getting ready to pick our future members.

I don't know why I felt the need to blog about this, but I did. It was a weird, pointless dream but somehow, meant alot to me. I don't know. But it is Christmas Eve and to wake up on Christmas Eve with this whole dream, must mean something.